The Joke Thread...........

[GSbiker]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Indian girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Greek girl. He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[hemigremmy]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he is certainly your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story


P.S. Robot For Sale

 

[GSbiker]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ….. Dave, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

[GSbiker]

Two guys walk into a bar....


The third one ducked.

 

[GSbiker]

So...

Two women are sitting quietly, minding their own business.

...

.....

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!

 

[TANKSAREUS]

Woman gives her hubby 100$ and tells him to go to the drug store and get
Some pills to help with his erection. He gets home and she says did you get what
You need. He says yes thanks and tosses her a bottle of diet pills :lol:

 

[GSbiker]

Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

 

[GSbiker]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Ron

 

[badtec]

Ya know how I am SURE that a person from Arkansas named the toothbrush?


Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Scott

 

[Rapidrob]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar........Yea RIGHT!

 

[GSbiker]

The bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers
that makes you believe that there is still hope for the younger
generation:

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those lumberyard assholes ever deliver
the hahahahaing sheet rock."

 

[rollin2]

What goes...WEEE WEEEEE WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!




A snail riding a turtle.

 

[GSbiker]

A lonely old widow, about age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED - MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED.

On the second day after posting the ad, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired old gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.He had no arms or legs...

The old woman said, "you're really not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you, you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted, "You don't have any arms, either..." Again the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[KB2ROCKET]

why couldnt the pony sing?
he was a little horse:laugh:

 

[TomH]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman
from southern Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She announced, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that said, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers, then scooped up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfoundedly. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral of the story:

1. Not all Southerners are stupid.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.
3. But all men... are men.

 

[TomH]

I thought about N.O.S when I read this:

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it ' In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch
to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ’For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity… keep listening to the Voices.

 

[TomH]

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them,
'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month..


The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor.
The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.

'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.

'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young
man replied sadly.
'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power.
The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were
powerless.'

The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for
a
can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up,
I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there.

'It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour
and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you
will not be welcome in our church.'

'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head,
'We're not welcome at Home Depot either!

 

[dajsnipe]

A grade school boy comes home and tells his dad he needs help on a report for class, the report is on the difference between "potential" and "reality".

The dad thinks for a minute and tells the boy to find his mother, ask her if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The boy comes back a few minutes later replying, she said yes dad. The boy is then directed to go ask his sister the same question, he returns and proclaims, she would too.

So there's your answer replies the dad, potentially were sitting on 2 million dollars hear, but in reality were just living with a couple of whores. :biggrin:

 

[MikeBear]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem with his car. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream." :laugh:

 

[Newoldstock]

Did you hear about the Canibals that ate a Comedian lost in the jungle.

Said he tasted a little funny.......